she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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