im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We left an ass print on the piano.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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