The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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