They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
