I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The air was thick with penises
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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