I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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