two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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