SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
