Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
