cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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