just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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