I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
