Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
