Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need a beard to bite.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
