I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
