Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
