i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
