I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize