It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
