i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
