Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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