Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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