I'm sorry my penis didn't work
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize