i just had sex bonerless
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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