You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
there is glitter all over my balls
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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