please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize