Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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