dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
