My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
please come you make the beer taste better
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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