Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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