if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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