i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
