we made out on top of his cat.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
