They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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