yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
