The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
