just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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