i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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