That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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