she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
