he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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