bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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