I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
