i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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