He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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