im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
