I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
