i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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