Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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