Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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