I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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